Going back and reading my post from January makes me sad. I had hoped this year would be better. Well to be honest I hope the same dream every year and the result is always the same. Heartache and disappointment. 2010 started with the devastating, sudden and unexpected loss of my mother on March 1st. I never thought I'd lose her so soon and have to face the rest of my journey alone. That's how I feel without her, alone. I depended on her so much for love and support, for friendship and advice, I don't know who to talk to anymore. I am fortunate to have many friends who want to be there for me with support and friendship but it's not the same. No one knew me like her. I've never met anyone else like her and probably never will. She was the best of the best but ultimately flawed in her personal decisions. She so willingly sacrificed for her family but ultimately hiding her true self she gave into her addiction. I don’t know how to live my life without her. The last few months without her have been horrible. Everything has changed from my relationships with my family, my relationship with my boyfriend and my overall social desires. I don’t have the drive anymore as life doesn’t have the same meaning. I don’t understand the point of all this when the ones I love the most always lie and leave.
Two months after my mom passed away my grandmother who was living in a care facility fell and broke her neck. The process from the ambulance to the hospital to the way my family reacted to the crisis was horrifying and disturbing. Watching the pain a 95 year old woman is forced to endure under the care of physicians who promise patient care is ridiculous. Watching my family fight over their selfishness and greed disgusts me. The values of family I thought existed in my life have been shaken to their core.
One month after the devastating loss of my mother, my father, her life partner for 39 years joined eharmony. Quick to distract himself from the pain of his new situation and the loss of his comfortable way of life, he chose to move on. An action that happened quicker than my brother and I thought and still consider too soon. I have not yet begun to come to terms with a life without my best friend and now I’m being asked to replace her with someone new. I love my father and understand why he feels what he is doing is okay, but as far as I’m considered it’s not. I’m not ready emotionally to handle seeing my father with another woman. I don’t want him to be happy yet. I want him to mourn my mother the way I do. I want him to respect her memory the way I feel. I know it’s an unreasonable request but that’s how I feel. I watched my parents struggle and my mother neglect her own personal wants for her family and the future life she thought she would have with us. I don’t want all her hard work and sacrifice to benefit some other woman who doesn’t understand the blood, sweat and tears she shed building the life my father now enjoys. I feel like he needs to suffer through the loneliness to understand the true impact of her loss and respect the life that she gave him and our family.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
2010 is here...
The Women's art group that I belong to has been focusing recent posts on the new year with the focus being future goals and reflections of the past twelve months. The following writing exercise was offered up to organize this process. I believe it was from someone elses blog, Andrea Sher at Superhero Journal. I've never been to her blog but after this I just might need to. :)
1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2009?(What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises did you keep to yourself? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)
2009 was a hectic year for me with my physical health issues, parental health issues and relationship troubles. I spent much of the first half of the year injured, stuck on my back on my living room floor hating my life as I watched the days and months pass on by. Iwatched with jealousy as my friends live healthy lives, unable to understand me or my life any more. The tedious recovery process of physical therapy and weekly chiropractor visits exhausted my sick leave and vacation time at work and frustrated me beyond words. The physical disability which plagues me has been a tremendous challenge to my personal sense of self as I have had to rethink my way of life. After months of doctors visits and medication adjustments I ended up no better then if I had just stayed home and took my chances. All the gadgets and back gizmos that everyone from family and friends to coworkers and acquaintances of coworkers had tried were of no help. Eventually my doctors gave up on me and told me the only thing I can do is to "deal with the pain." This is not what you want to hear from your doctor when you feel like you are at the breaking point. This was my daily struggle for 2009....trying to wake up every day and find a purpose to encourage me to get out of bed and start it all over again.
Combined with my physical imparements and loss of personal purpose was the loss of my relationship to my best friend....which restarted and ended more times than I care to share during 2009. My back injury that left me unable to do much of anything but complain caused a huge strain on my relationship. We are both caregivers at heart and when the caretaker becomes the patient who is pitied the dynamic is destined to change. He wanted a life, to go out and be a young man without the stress of physical illness and lifes challenges. I wasn't able to be his partner in this adventure and we lost each other. I resented his desire to be away from me and the resentment I knew he felt for the guilt he had in leaving me. I know he loves me but I also know he longs for a simpler life, one where his partners problems are about what to do on a Friday night not how to gather the strength to make it through another day. After I became healthy enough to live on my own I moved out of our home and tried to give him the space he begged for as I was unable to give it to him living with him. I couldn't stand to watch him find happiness in a life that did not include me. Worst of all though was that he didn't want it to include me. He longs for an escape from life, from our life. I'm proud of my decision to leave the man that I love but know that I was also a coward in that decision. I hoped he'd see the grass isn't greener and come back to me. Which he did. A few times. We never gave our relationship the space and time off that fosters true appreciation. So here I am, starting 2010, still stuck in a relationship that I do not know if I want. I love him and want him more than words but I know that he does not find happiness in the life that I want. Do I hold on to him and enjoy what little love and happiness we have left allowing it to inevitably crumble? Or do I let him go. Do I try and move on, to heal and eventually find someone who can handle my lifes challenges without resentment? I really don't know what to do. I'm 28 years old with the life experience of a 40 year old trying to date and be with someone who is 30 years old with the desire to be 22. I want to grow up, I want to have a boring life that focuses on contentment rather and personal satisfaction not romanticized love. I feel like what I want is possible but he is not ready. I don't know how long I can wait.
I want to acknowldege my ambition in 2009. Through all the troubles and roadblocks I've faced I still managed to build my art business this past year to new heights. I had art shows every month but about two. I sold probably ten pieces and took on new challenges to assist my growth. By the end of the year though I lost my mojo of sorts and lost my desire to paint. The year of struggles took a toll on my confidence which impacted my art. Rather then ignore my art I transfered my creative energy into other artistic forms like jewelry making and knitting.
2. What is there to grieve about 2009?(What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?)
I grieve the loss of my physical wellbeing which I experienced this past year. I struggled in 2008 with my physical health after hurting my knee which resulted in having surgery early March 2008. In 2009 my knee has become much stronger but the overall state of my health has not improved. I workout and eat healthy but the stress that I carry has left me physically weak. What a horrible cycle to be stuck in. My back hurts every day of my life and has impacted my overall wellbeing in numerous ways. I have to always consider how my actions are going to impact my health and I can no longer take it for granted. The carefree attitude of my friends and family is no longer my reality. Most of 2009 was generally difficult and hard. Moving out on my own again was tough....and rather scary. Everything changes when you move out on your own after being with someone for a while. I got so used to the comforts of coming home to someone that the loneliness of living alone has been quite a challenge.
3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?
I'm just happy it's over. It's funny how the end of a calendar year can be seen as a rebirth of sorts, an opportunity for a fresh outlook. I gave into my pain and problems in 2009 and I hope that 2010 will be different. I'm ready for a new outlook.
"I declare 2009 complete!"
How do you feel? If you don't feel quite right, there might be one more thing to say...The final step is to consider your primary focus for the year to come. What is your primary intention or theme for 2010? Is it the year of joy? the year of self-care? the year of partnership? Stand up and say it proud, "2010 is my year of...."
I feel okay about the new year. I'm excited for a fresh opportunity but still feel held back by things that are out of my control. I need to be more accountable in 2010 for myself and the life I choose to live. I want this to be the year that I find happiness again.
1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2009?(What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises did you keep to yourself? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)
2009 was a hectic year for me with my physical health issues, parental health issues and relationship troubles. I spent much of the first half of the year injured, stuck on my back on my living room floor hating my life as I watched the days and months pass on by. Iwatched with jealousy as my friends live healthy lives, unable to understand me or my life any more. The tedious recovery process of physical therapy and weekly chiropractor visits exhausted my sick leave and vacation time at work and frustrated me beyond words. The physical disability which plagues me has been a tremendous challenge to my personal sense of self as I have had to rethink my way of life. After months of doctors visits and medication adjustments I ended up no better then if I had just stayed home and took my chances. All the gadgets and back gizmos that everyone from family and friends to coworkers and acquaintances of coworkers had tried were of no help. Eventually my doctors gave up on me and told me the only thing I can do is to "deal with the pain." This is not what you want to hear from your doctor when you feel like you are at the breaking point. This was my daily struggle for 2009....trying to wake up every day and find a purpose to encourage me to get out of bed and start it all over again.
Combined with my physical imparements and loss of personal purpose was the loss of my relationship to my best friend....which restarted and ended more times than I care to share during 2009. My back injury that left me unable to do much of anything but complain caused a huge strain on my relationship. We are both caregivers at heart and when the caretaker becomes the patient who is pitied the dynamic is destined to change. He wanted a life, to go out and be a young man without the stress of physical illness and lifes challenges. I wasn't able to be his partner in this adventure and we lost each other. I resented his desire to be away from me and the resentment I knew he felt for the guilt he had in leaving me. I know he loves me but I also know he longs for a simpler life, one where his partners problems are about what to do on a Friday night not how to gather the strength to make it through another day. After I became healthy enough to live on my own I moved out of our home and tried to give him the space he begged for as I was unable to give it to him living with him. I couldn't stand to watch him find happiness in a life that did not include me. Worst of all though was that he didn't want it to include me. He longs for an escape from life, from our life. I'm proud of my decision to leave the man that I love but know that I was also a coward in that decision. I hoped he'd see the grass isn't greener and come back to me. Which he did. A few times. We never gave our relationship the space and time off that fosters true appreciation. So here I am, starting 2010, still stuck in a relationship that I do not know if I want. I love him and want him more than words but I know that he does not find happiness in the life that I want. Do I hold on to him and enjoy what little love and happiness we have left allowing it to inevitably crumble? Or do I let him go. Do I try and move on, to heal and eventually find someone who can handle my lifes challenges without resentment? I really don't know what to do. I'm 28 years old with the life experience of a 40 year old trying to date and be with someone who is 30 years old with the desire to be 22. I want to grow up, I want to have a boring life that focuses on contentment rather and personal satisfaction not romanticized love. I feel like what I want is possible but he is not ready. I don't know how long I can wait.
I want to acknowldege my ambition in 2009. Through all the troubles and roadblocks I've faced I still managed to build my art business this past year to new heights. I had art shows every month but about two. I sold probably ten pieces and took on new challenges to assist my growth. By the end of the year though I lost my mojo of sorts and lost my desire to paint. The year of struggles took a toll on my confidence which impacted my art. Rather then ignore my art I transfered my creative energy into other artistic forms like jewelry making and knitting.
2. What is there to grieve about 2009?(What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?)
I grieve the loss of my physical wellbeing which I experienced this past year. I struggled in 2008 with my physical health after hurting my knee which resulted in having surgery early March 2008. In 2009 my knee has become much stronger but the overall state of my health has not improved. I workout and eat healthy but the stress that I carry has left me physically weak. What a horrible cycle to be stuck in. My back hurts every day of my life and has impacted my overall wellbeing in numerous ways. I have to always consider how my actions are going to impact my health and I can no longer take it for granted. The carefree attitude of my friends and family is no longer my reality. Most of 2009 was generally difficult and hard. Moving out on my own again was tough....and rather scary. Everything changes when you move out on your own after being with someone for a while. I got so used to the comforts of coming home to someone that the loneliness of living alone has been quite a challenge.
3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?
I'm just happy it's over. It's funny how the end of a calendar year can be seen as a rebirth of sorts, an opportunity for a fresh outlook. I gave into my pain and problems in 2009 and I hope that 2010 will be different. I'm ready for a new outlook.
"I declare 2009 complete!"
How do you feel? If you don't feel quite right, there might be one more thing to say...The final step is to consider your primary focus for the year to come. What is your primary intention or theme for 2010? Is it the year of joy? the year of self-care? the year of partnership? Stand up and say it proud, "2010 is my year of...."
I feel okay about the new year. I'm excited for a fresh opportunity but still feel held back by things that are out of my control. I need to be more accountable in 2010 for myself and the life I choose to live. I want this to be the year that I find happiness again.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
In the beginning...
Today is a new day and a new year is around the corner so I thought I'd take the time to start a new blog to help focus and guide my journey through the next year. A lot has happened in my life over the past five years, graduated college, met who I thought was the man of my dreams, got married, got a full time career job, started graduate school, left my husband, got a different job, got divorced, moved to the city, started painting again, started dating, started selling my art and here I am. I'm 28 years old with a full time job, part time graduate school, an art business that keeps me busy and stresses me out more than my real job that pays my bills and in the end I feel like I'm on the wrong path. I've always wanted to go to law school and always dreamed I would, but as I fastly approach 30, I wonder if that's really what's in store for me. My journey to where I am so far has tought me nothing if not that I have no idea what's coming. All my plans have failed in one way or another. Not to say that the path I'm on is a bad one, it's just not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. So where do I go from here? Do I try and get back on the path that I have quietly dreamed about or continue to plug away and see if the journey I'm on is where I really should be heading?
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