Update - June 2010

Going back and reading my post from January makes me sad. I had hoped this year would be better. Well to be honest I hope the same dream every year and the result is always the same. Heartache and disappointment. 2010 started with the devastating, sudden and unexpected loss of my mother on March 1st. I never thought I'd lose her so soon and have to face the rest of my journey alone. That's how I feel without her, alone. I depended on her so much for love and support, for friendship and advice, I don't know who to talk to anymore. I am fortunate to have many friends who want to be there for me with support and friendship but it's not the same. No one knew me like her. I've never met anyone else like her and probably never will. She was the best of the best but ultimately flawed in her personal decisions. She so willingly sacrificed for her family but ultimately hiding her true self she gave into her addiction. I don’t know how to live my life without her. The last few months without her have been horrible. Everything has changed from my relationships with my family, my relationship with my boyfriend and my overall social desires. I don’t have the drive anymore as life doesn’t have the same meaning. I don’t understand the point of all this when the ones I love the most always lie and leave.

Two months after my mom passed away my grandmother who was living in a care facility fell and broke her neck. The process from the ambulance to the hospital to the way my family reacted to the crisis was horrifying and disturbing. Watching the pain a 95 year old woman is forced to endure under the care of physicians who promise patient care is ridiculous. Watching my family fight over their selfishness and greed disgusts me. The values of family I thought existed in my life have been shaken to their core.

One month after the devastating loss of my mother, my father, her life partner for 39 years joined eharmony. Quick to distract himself from the pain of his new situation and the loss of his comfortable way of life, he chose to move on. An action that happened quicker than my brother and I thought and still consider too soon. I have not yet begun to come to terms with a life without my best friend and now I’m being asked to replace her with someone new. I love my father and understand why he feels what he is doing is okay, but as far as I’m considered it’s not. I’m not ready emotionally to handle seeing my father with another woman. I don’t want him to be happy yet. I want him to mourn my mother the way I do. I want him to respect her memory the way I feel. I know it’s an unreasonable request but that’s how I feel. I watched my parents struggle and my mother neglect her own personal wants for her family and the future life she thought she would have with us. I don’t want all her hard work and sacrifice to benefit some other woman who doesn’t understand the blood, sweat and tears she shed building the life my father now enjoys. I feel like he needs to suffer through the loneliness to understand the true impact of her loss and respect the life that she gave him and our family.